Power
by Oparu
Summary: A secret can mean anything in the right hands. GregoryOlivia. Baby!fic.


I've never felt like I had the same kind of power other people have. Power, real power, the kind that bends other people to Gregory's will or makes Caitlin believe she can do anything, has always eluded me. I'm the watcher, the observer, and frequently the victim of the people around me. Lashing out when I'm cornered hardly counts as power, but often enough, that seems to be my only recourse.

In this moment, however, the situation is skewed. Gregory's eyes are actually on me for once and he's waiting. I should speak. I should say something to soothe his rabid temper, but I never do stand up to him. He's the devil I can't live without, and even in a towering rage, I can't look away from him.

My stomach twists, jumping into my throat. It's been on edge all day; an internal manifestation of the storm all around me. Gregory stares as if he could burn Cole to a crisp . Caitlin insists for the thousandth time that Cole loves her and they're going to be blissfully happy together. Cole glares at Gregory and I wish I could tell him how much he reminds me of his father; fate seems bound to keep all the Deschanel at odds with Gregory for eternity.

He was good once, the man screaming at my side. He was sweet, gentle even, and compared to Del and AJ, he was a saint. He kept his affairs quiet, didn't leave his girlfriends broken and destroyed they way those two did.

They'd never believe me.

Cole stands on the perimeter, staring at Gregory with the knowing smirk he thinks is charming. It almost is, but I've seen that smile before. It's Del's smile, AJ's smile; the smile of a man who expects to get what he wants.

He might actually get it this time. Maybe a few weeks running around Europe with Cole will be exactly the kind of experience Caitlin needs. When I was her age, I was already living in a foreign country on my own. Of course, I didn't have Caitlin's money, or her chance at an education. I know that feeling though. The one I see in her eyes reminds me so much of myself. I wanted to fight back then.

Now I can't help wishing the whole argument would be over. My head hurts and for a moment my vision fades on the edges. It was easier to deal with this before my body was against me. If I keep biting my lip, it should go away, but there's already blood in my mouth. The metallic taste nearly always makes me nauseated and it's worse than usual tonight. The fuzzy blackness around the edges of my field of vision stops fading and starts to creep in towards the middle.

I can't make out who's yelling anymore. I could probably escape from the conversation and sit down until it passes, but my position between Cole and Gregory is probably the only thing keeping both of them from flying into blows. Cole wouldn't let me see him actually hit my husband. Caitlin might forgive him. Gregory might imperiously look the other way but it would just look too crude in front of me.

Blood rushes in my ears and I can see Caitlin's lips moving but the sound of my heart's drowning it out. For a fleeting moment I wonder if something's really, truly wrong with me. Time slows, starting to crawl like the invisible insects scrambling inside my skill. I move my hand to my mouth, trying to calm my stomach. My fingers are like ice against my lips and that momentarily shocks me back.

"And just how to you intend to continue your studies?" Gregory lectures Caitlin as she tries to convince him being with Cole will be good for her life. "Do you believe UCLA thinks it's really the thought that counts when they hand out diplomas?"

Gregory has a valid point. I don't think she's thought about that. My daughter, my precious daughter who usually thinks everything that happens to her through, has decided to run off and there's no way I'm going to stop her. Gregory doesn't see that, but maybe if I can get him to back down a little, I can get her on the right track. She can finish university and travel with Cole. There has to be a way.

The crawling feeling inside my skull joins with my headache and if I'm not careful, I'm acutely aware I'm going to pass out again. It'll be the third time in nearly as many days, but maybe it's worth it. Gregory can't possibly keep screaming at Cole if I pass out in front of him, can he?

I could fight it. I could back away before my head detaches from my body and I wake up staring at Gregory's concerned face. I wonder ironically why the only time he seems to really care about me is when I'm helpless a moment before I pass the tipping point. My hand falls from my mouth like a dead thing no longer part of my body. My knees fail a moment afterwards and the best part of the whole thing is the silence that comes with the blackness.

It really is the first time all day I've had a moment without yelling.

hr 

Strong fingers digging into my cheek have to be Gregory's. I know I'm supposed to wake up and keep him from worrying about me. The voices around me drift before they coalesce. Caitlin's next to Gregory; her hand must be the one on my shoulder. I hate to worry her, especially after the way she looked at me the last time I fainted, but it can't be helped.

The word Gregory keeps saying over and over is my name. It took me awhile to make sense of the sound; I shouldn't be enjoying this but I am. I nearly gasp when his hands force the ice pack beneath my head. I should open my eyes and let him know I'm awake but fear still has him quiet. He needs to be quiet, have his life put back into perspective.

Caitlin wants to live with Cole. Caitlin wants to run away with Cole. It doesn't matter. Caitlin is just a girl in love and the more Gregory fights, the more she'll try to stand up to her father the only way she can. For as much as Gregory loathes Cole, the man's name is never out of my house. Cole is never far from Gregory's mind and he's been so distracted I've been able to keep him fooled.

If it wasn't for Cole, Gregory would have caught me trying to hide that damned pregnancy test and he wouldn't have been so distracted when Bette nearly let it slip and drug it out of her. Maybe I've been too passive about this, trying to hide it when I should be using it against him. Beneath my fear that Gregory will find out, there's another fear. A darker terror that I've been too consumed by to even acknowledge, governs my actions.

No matter who fathered this child, I know it is mine, and though I've tried to fight myself, I love it already. I could lose it. It's one thing if I let myself schedule an abortion, but it's something else entirely if this baby tears its way out of my body prematurely. I've been trying to fight it; push that fear away until I forget how much it strangles me. Gregory will take it worse than I do. All this time I've been trying to protect him when perhaps I should be putting him on the front lines. Instead of spending all his energy on the daughter that can take care of herself, perhaps he just needs to be redirected.

I bit into my lip when I fell and the blood's pooling under my tongue. I could spit it out, but I'm already nauseated. Swallowing it might help, but not in the traditional way. I let my eyes open and it takes longer than I expected for them to focus. For a moment, worry stings cold at my stomach. Something could actually be wrong but there's no time to worry about it now.

Gregory's trying to get me to sit up, but when he and Caitlin lift my head it starts to burn again and my eyes won't stay open. My head falls forward on his chest and all I can smell is the cologne on his shirt. His chin rests on my head, and his arms are around my shoulders. He's talking to Caitlin, trying to tell her not to worry. but there's worry in his voice. It's wrong of me to enjoy it, but it's hard not too. I can't remember the last time he's held me like this.

"Sorry," I mumble into his chest. "I'm sorry."

"Hey," he murmurs back in the soft voice that always gets into my heart. "You okay sweetheart?"

"Dizzy," I complain meekly, which is the truth. The headache I had before I fainted has turned into a cloudy, cottony feeling that is strange but infinitely more pleasant. It's all right for the moment though, because Gregory's holding me like he means it.

"Did you hit your head when you fell?" he wonders as his hands search through my hair.

"No," I whisper without opening my eyes. "Just dizzy."

"We're going to stay here for awhile," he promises with more patience than he's used with me for awhile. He's been more and more like that lately. Quiet, thoughtful, even introspective when he's not lashing out at Caitlin. Maybe he's starting to grow up. "Cate, I'm going to need to make your mother a doctor's appointment, could you get the number out of my address book and leave it out on my desk?"

I know it's worked when I try to speak and his finger hushes my lips.

"It's all right Liv," he soothes with his lips nearly touching my forehead. "I've got you."

hr 

One of the best ways to worry Gregory is just not to get out of bed. He knows I'm not a morning person, so he usually kisses me and heads for the pool and the shower. If I'm still asleep after that, depending on our schedules, he might wake me if I'm not up. Today, he lets me sleep, which means he's concerned. I've been dragging myself out of bed early enough not to worry him for the last few weeks, and when he gets up in the still-dark morning I contemplate letting myself sleep past noon.

But, the earlier I get up, the worse I'll feel all day and I'm actually counting on that. I drag myself out of the covers and feel my head swim. The garbage can by the bed almost has to serve as a place to vomit, but closing my eyes stops my stomach in my throat. If I hold still or put my head back down I'll probably be all right. This plan depends on me looking like I'm trying to pretend everything is fine. Staying in bed, however lovely, would be admitting I'm nearly too nauseated to move.

I force myself out of the warmth between the covers and take the few shaky steps towards the vanity. My head feels like something hot has run up my spine and settled at the base of my skull. My stomach twists and if I hold still it stays beneath my lungs and I can still breathe. I have to time it right. I should be able to hear Gregory coming up the stairs from the pool and it shouldn't take much to push my rebellious stomach over the edge.

I reach into my drawer for the bottle of perfume Caitlin bought me years ago. Though the bottle is lovely pink cut glass, the smell is intensely sweet and floral in a way that makes my head spin when I'm not already fighting my stomach. the voice in the back of my head that says putting Gregory through this is wrong looses out to the desperate need to have him leave Caitlin alone.

The sun is creeping up over the mountains to the east, and I finally hear him on the stairs. Taking the top off the perfume, I force myself to breath it in. The effect is nearly immediate. I was hovering there anyway and it doesn't take much to push me over the edge. I've probably spent more than my fair share of my life throwing up, but I can only blame myself for the moments it was alcohol induced.

This time, however, the shaking that accompanies cold sweat and the desperate thrashing has very little to do with what I did the night before. Gregory's feet are heavy in the hall, but quick across the carpeted floor of our bedroom. I'm throwing up fluid without any food in it when he catches the back of my head and takes my hair off of my face.

One of his hands runs up and down my back. He doesn't say anything because it's all been said. For some reason, I'm safer now than I've been for years. He'd kill me if I knew I've slept with Cole, but as long as he doesn't know, he's the best husband I could ever ask for. I've been walking that tightrope with him since I realized I cared if he loved me.

I do. I think of living without him and my heart freezes up. It's probably unhealthy but there's a difference between co-dependence and sheer, ugly, desperate need for another human being. I need Gregory the way I need oxygen and I don't know how to fight it. So I lie to and manipulate the man I love because I'm just too selfish to let him go.

I can't let him go.

The nausea holds me as time ticks by without me. Gregory smells like chlorine from the pool and he's only wearing his swim trunks under his robe. The skin on his chest is soft and cool against my forehead when I finally let him pull me away from the toilet.

"No fever," he reminds me as he moves over to lean against the wall of the bathroom. "Still dizzy?" Gregory asks as he strokes my hair. This gentleness comes out so rarely I'm almost afraid to speak and ruin it.

"Just sick to my stomach," I complain softly when he drags me up to my feet. I don't really need to cling to his arms for support but his dark eyes soften so much when I use him for balance that I hang on.

Slowly, Gregory walks me back to bed and kneels by the side of our bed. "I made you an appointment at nine, think you'll be all right?"

"If I don't move around too much before then," I answer as I reach for his hand. "Are you coming with me?"

"Unless you don't want me to," he replies quickly but there's an edge to it. His ego isn't quite as unassailable as Gregory leads everyone to believe. Part of him actually needs me to tell him I need him. Part of him is still a shy little boy who just wants to know he's worth something.

"You know how I feel about doctors," I remind him and close my eyes.

Gregory lets go of my hand and rubs my cheek. "Why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling well?" he demands with a sigh. "Sean just told me you were feeling sick the whole day of the trial and Caitlin said you fainted before?"

"You were busy," I protest weakly. I had made Caitlin promise not to tell him, but this has almost worked out better. It throws Gregory off more than he'll admit when he's missed something. "Caitlin--"

"Should have told me immediately," Gregory interrupts me firmly and when I open one eye I can see him glaring past me at the headboard. "I still can't believe you didn't say anything."

Beneath that is his disbelief that he missed the signs. How many symptoms did I miss because I didn't want to believe fate could be this harsh? I pat the hand on my shoulder and try to look apologetic. "Darling, you've had a lot on your mind," I insist and smile when he protectively takes my hand. "I thought a little flu bug wasn't something to worry you about. Not when you were so concerned with Caitlin."

"I am never too busy for you," Gregory reminds me with enough fervor that I actually believe him. "I love you, Liv."

"I know," I murmur through a yawn and pull his hands closer to my chest. "Old habits, darling."

"I need you to let me in," he chastises me as he releases me to circle the bed and crawl in behind me. His warm body wraps around mine and I start to relax the muscles I'm still holding tense. "Trust me."

hr 

Gregory lets me sleep until just after eight and then he guides me out of bed and into the shower. I just pull my hair back and skip my makeup. It makes me look like a lost child, but it's certainly in my favor. Gregory's hands never leave my body. One is on my back, than he's touching my shoulder. He ate while I was still sleeping, but he makes an effort to talk me into eating a piece of dry toast.

After the first round of nausea this morning, it's almost nice to only have exhaustion to deal with. I yawn my way through the preliminary interview at the doctor's office. Gregory takes the paperwork from me and fills it out while I rest my head on his shoulder. He's just in a shirt today and it's odd to have him all to myself, out of a suit and the office.

I lie to the doctor I've just met and pretend I'm not sure when I last had my period. Talking about birth control with Gregory in the chair next to me makes me smile. He takes it well. He listens to the more frightening list of things that could be wrong with me and distracts me while they draw my blood. I know what the results are going to be, but I bite my lip and try not to let any emotion show in my face when Doctor Robinson mentions it.

It's not until we're back in the car, nearly home, when I acknowledge how terrified I am of the idea of a baby. "I can't," I whisper to him when we take the last corner towards our home. "Gregory...what would we do?"

Shutting off the engine, he turns in his seat to get a better look at me. "You really think you're pregnant sweetheart?"

I don't dare say yes. Part of this plan requires I let Gregory find out before I do. That he has to deal with my secrets for once while I pretend I don't know anything.

"Isn't it too late?" I remind him sadly. "Caitlin and Sean, they're nearly grown up. What on earth would we do with another baby now? Weren't you just saying how much you're looking forward to having the house to ourselves?" I close my eyes and try to smile. "I just have the flu, darling. They'll call and tell me to stay in bed. You'll see."

"I can think of better reasons to stay in bed," Gregory murmurs to me so I smile as he leans across and touches my cheek. "Thank you for letting me come with you today." His hand is soft and gentle and there's more truth in his eyes. "Felt like a real husband there for awhile."

"You wouldn't have come a few weeks ago," I prompt him as I get out of the car. My head's spinning slightly and I wonder there's just not enough food in my system or there's something more sinister at work.

"Would you have wanted me?" Gregory asks as he slips his hand behind my back.

"I always want you," I whisper it under my breath in case it's too honest of an admission, even for us. "You know how I feel about doctors," I tease him as we walk around through the kitchen.

"Fair enough," Gregory agrees stopping by the fridge. "Feel up to eating anything?"

hr 

After my late breakfast, the same nagging exhaustion creeps up on me and it seems easier just to disappear. I fall asleep just as I hear him in the hallway. He must really be concerned to sneak around watching me through half-closed doors. More dark nightmares of Gregory's horrific rejection haunt my dreams and I jolt upright, immediately awake when the phone rings but I let it go. Gregory catches it on the second ring.

Will he tell me immediately or will it take him awhile to process what Doctor Robinson must be telling him? I lay there, staring out the window at the sea past our garden and wait for the sound of his feet in the hall. After an hour, I wonder if he's even going to come up. It's nearly impossible to brush my hair as if nothing is wrong but I have to pretend to be normal.

There's an incredible power in the state of illusion. What truths really matter in the end? If he loves this baby, it will be his child, and the only one who has to live with the lie is me. The only one in danger of Gregory's wraith is me. Perhaps it will be worth it, in the long run, to see my child happy and well taken care of. Cole couldn't raise a baby, and there's nothing but pain between Cole and I. This is the best choice. This is my only choice.

My hands are shaking when I button up my sweater and look at myself in the mirror. Putting on makeup would probably just make me look worse at the moment and there's a certain freedom in not bothering to impress anyone. I have to go back to the radio station tomorrow and deal with the hiring of three new DJs because even with Gregory and the stubborn rebellion of my body, the rest of the world is still moving forward.

There's a note on the kitchen table that says Caitlin and Cole went swimming. Gregory's study is empty but he left work out. He rarely leaves anything out, so he must be in the house somewhere. Checking all the way upstairs seems like too much work and luckily I find him on the patio.

Gregory has the haze of cigar smoke around his head and his hand on his coffee cup. He startles when I touch his shoulder and his eyes flash through several different emotions before he sets the cigar down and pulls me closer. He waits for the smoke to dissipate before he speaks. "Feeling better?" he asks finally with the secrets still in his eyes.

"Just tired now," I reply as his arm snakes around my back. "Get any work done?"

He shakes his head and stares at the still smoking cigar in the ash tray. He pushes it away from me and I know Doctor Robinson's test results have to be that I'm pregnant. He know I don't like cigars, but he will usually finish them as long as he's outside. He takes a long sip of his coffee and I can see him swishing it around his mouth.

"Nothing pressing today," he says as he sets the cup aside. "You're pale."

"I'm always pale," I retort as I try to reconcile my stomach with the lingering scent of the cigar. "It's in my DNA."

"More than usual," he teases softly running his hand down my back again. "Sit."

"I don't know if I should," I admit as I bite my lip and wonder how much of the smell I can stand.

He looks over at the cigar and nods slowly. "I'm sorry, Liv, I wasn't thinking," he apologizes and stands up. "I could shower," he teases lightly reaching for my chin. "Want me to?"

"It's all right," I promise as I kiss his fingers. "I'll live."

"It's a nasty habit isn't it?" Gregory asks rhetorically as he pulls me closer. "May I kiss you?" he wonders naughtily as he leans closer.

"Yes," I giggle and wait for his lips to cover mine. There's the hint of cigars on his lips, but he's terribly gentle. His lips are warm, and he's careful not to invade too far into my mouth. My tongue surprises him and his grunted sigh makes me smile as we part.

"You are feeling better," he murmurs as he kisses my neck. "I think I like it." Gregory's hands sneak up my back and one of them reaches my bra strap. He smirks and expertly fingers the clasp loose.

"Gregory!" I protest in surprise as his hand slides around my chest to cup my aching breast. I can't help gasping. The breast is too sensitive; too sore from my pregnancy to take much of his touch before I melt into it. "Gregory, we can't--"

"Shhh--" he interrupts me as he works his way over to the buttons on my sweater. "I want you."

"Upstairs," I remind him as his hand slips inside my sweater and plays with the silk camisole beneath it. When it rests on the skin of my stomach I sigh and his eyes grow dark. I am pregnant. He hasn't told me, but it's there in every move of his hands. Instead of grabbing, he's gentle, almost too gentle. He's afraid, but his lips are on my neck and all I can think about is how good he'll feel next to me. "Caitlin and Sean," I whisper as he kisses my collarbone and pulls the top button of my sweater loose. My breasts start to spill out of my sweater and his hands shove them up and squeeze at the same time.

He's only doing it to make me gasp but I can't help it. I nearly fold into his touch and suddenly we're hurrying towards the stairs. One of his hands maneuvers down my stomach and slips between my legs. Gregory knocks me back against the stairs and digs his hand into my clit through the black fabric of my trousers. It's invasive and raw but I kiss him for all that I have.

Gregory drags me off the stairs and pushes me into the wall. His leg slips between mine and he kisses down my neck and yanks open the second button of my sweater. The camisole beneath can't stand up to his touch, and I melt against the door too our bedroom. He teases the next button open and then I finish it off. Sliding it off my shoulder, he starts kissing his way down my arm as we tumble through the door.

Freeing my from my sweater, he drops it onto the floor and guides me towards the bed. I reach for his trousers but he's much more interested in what he can do for me. He lets me undo his buttons but his fingers are busy with my camisole and sneaking it over my overly tender breasts. He pulls it over my head as he kisses the swollen flesh of my left breast. With my bra loosened, my breasts threaten to escape the fabric, but he holds them steady against his chest as he teases it off of my shoulders. The black bra falls before him and he watches it hit the floor before he sneaks his tongue down to my nipple. With his hands on my back, I fall down against the bed.

Gregory's hands slip inside of my trousers as he eases them off. One thumb brushes past my clit and I squirm beneath him. Every part of me seems too sensitive. I thrash upwards and he kisses me to calm me back towards the bed. He pays extraordinary attention to my knees, nuzzling them as he eases my trousers down towards my feet. Making his way with his tongue up my inner thigh, he distracts me as he frees my feet from my trousers entirely.

Ripping off his own shirt, he lets it fall to the floor and pushes me back on the bed. ending my knee, he licks a slow line down my leg and finds a place just past my knee where the simple touch of him drives me to distraction. Gregory teases his way down and starts easing my panties off of my hips. His fingers reach for me first, but it's his tongue that makes my cry out.

I don't have to know what he's doing, but the hot, insistent touch of his mouth winds through me in a way no one else ever has. I've had other lovers, but there's a reason Gregory always pulls me back. He tosses my panties aside with the rest of my clothes and reaches his left hand up to squish one breast into my chest. He moves across to the other but it's his mouth I can't stop thinking about. His teeth brush across my clit teasingly and I arch into his touch. One finger of his right hand taunts me beneath his mouth and I dig my hand into his hair.

My bare foot runs up between his legs and finds him straining his half-removed trousers. The noises I can't help making have always meant the world to him. I cry out desperately as the wetness of his mouth sends waves of sensation crashing inside my skull. I can't think. I can barely breath when he adds another finger and starts to curl them up towards his tongue.

I don't know when he stripped off his trousers and boxers, but he leaves me shuddering, naked and exposed before he buries his cock roughly inside me. I cry out and cling to his shoulders. Gregory knows I need a moment to recover, but he doesn't let me have it. Instead, he rolls himself beneath me and moves his hands to cup my aching breasts. It's been eighteen years since I was pregnant last, but he remembers how much it hurt when my breasts grew out of control when Sean was inside of me.

I wasn't ready, and my body's still shaking from the threshold he left me on. Gregory fills me almost to the point of pain, but he gives me the time I need to adjust. One hand digs into my breast, but the other slips reverently down my stomach. If he was trying to hide what he knew, he'd never stare at the softness of my stomach the way he is, but when he starts to thrust upwards I can't think clearly.

My clit's been ignored just long enough for the touch of his fingers to send my head reeling. Digging my fingers into his chest just makes him chuckle and I realize the only way out is to move against him. Just twisting my hips makes me moan as my eyes start to burn. Gregory's eyes have left my stomach and settle on my face, burning his thoughts into me. All that intensity is nearly too much when it's directed solely on me and I want to look away.

"No," he grunts towards me. "Liv, look at me," Gregory pleads as his fingers move faster. I'm wet and the sweat on his chest makes my hands glide over his skin. His fingers are merciless. The steady movement of his cock within me starts to burn and my tears are hot on my face. I can't remember when I started to cry, but he pulls me down to kiss me. I can't concentrate on his tongue in my mouth with him inside of me but he only laughs when I break away and moan into his neck. The gasping follows and when I can no longer hold up my head, he knows he's got me.

I rock faster, desperate for the climax he cheated me out of before, but this time it'll be that much more intense. Gregory's fingers are wet against my skin when he lifts my head and brings me up to meet his eyes. He likes to watch me struggle and die a little before orgasm rushes through my body. I can smell myself on his hand and the cigar smoke mixed with sweat of him. I can't keep myself from sobbing, but he needs that before he can come. He has to know he owns me and in between the sound of the wet smack of my hips against his, he whispers something I can only feel as a rush against my cheek.

My teeth are tingling from the first part, but it's his hand that sends me over the edge. Gregory's body trembles beneath me and I can feel him go slack inside. It's nearly more than I can bare, and I'm grateful for his arms when I collapse over his chest. He runs his hand up and strokes over the naked skin of my butt on his way to my lower back. Easing me into place against him, Gregory pulls me close and holds tight.

He kisses my cheek and soothes my tears. The first time I cried he was so frightened; now he's used to that kind of release. When his arms settle, they're both wrapped around me and I'm safe for the time being.

"Liv," he starts to explain hoarsely into my hair. "Well--" he begins to explain and shakes his head. "I do love you, you know that, right?"

"Of course, darling," I whisper back as he pulls the both of us up towards the head of the bed. "I love you too."

My head ends up on his shoulder, where it usually does, and I can smell the sweat on his skin. Gregory pulls the sheets up only enough to cover my butt and lets the sweat on my back dry in the air. "It was my fault we never talked about having another baby, wasn't it?" the question is directed towards the ceiling, but it hands over us like a dark cloud.

"It was hard for both of us," I remind him, but he sees through me.

"You wanted to try years ago," Gregory remembers softly almost as if he's afraid of what he's looking at. "And I shut you out."

"You're not being fair to yourself, darling," I protest and tilt my head towards up towards his chin. "It's something that happened to us, we stopped trying and we lost ourselves. We have Caitlin and Sean and that's enough. Isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's enough," Gregory murmurs back softly. "What else could we possibly want?"


End file.
